What you know & what you make of it

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I'm not sure how we learn to love. Some say it's what we've seen in our lifetime, meaning we reenact the love we've witnessed, meaning, we mimic what we know. If that's true, then I'm doomed. 

All my life I've only seen the hardships of relationships. Since I could remember, my mom and dad always were fighting, probably why I'm such an excellent arguer, excellent in the sense that I do it often, not that I'm good at it. All I've known is how a relationship does NOT work, leaving me clueless about what and how a healthy and true relationship should be. I'm not blaming my parents, choosing the wrong person to love should not be something ridiculed, we are humans after all. I am either fated to "love" the way my parents did, or I can choose to change my perception of love altogether: What I want for myself, and what I would've wanted for my parents. I believe that can happen. I have to start by forgetting everything I "know" about relationships and seek the truth about genuine happiness. 

I believe (and this is personal, because what we each want from love generally is different) that love involves a care that goes beyond selfish desires and concerns. There is a point where the other person's well-being becomes more important than maintaining yours. At the same time, you keep strong, safe and healthy for that other person, to just be there. I believe that love and respect are closely knit. I believe that even if you feel yourself to be right, choosing to be the one to surrender, to be wrong, is stronger than the argument itself. I believe in never giving up on learning things about the other person for as long as you both are alive. I believe in kindness. Someone that makes you want to stand taller and live longer.

I know that all that I'm noting has to be found within myself too. I must be equally willing to do, and to be, that person. I know that I have a lot to work on, but I know that I deserve love like this. I believe that I deserve respect and to be treated with the same tenderness that I would give willingly to my other half. I believe that someone out there deserves to be loved by me.


So, if someone were to tell me that I'll end up reflecting my parents and their relationship, I would have to disagree. I am making my own path. I am making my own love, and it will not be defined by what I've seen so far. No, it will be much greater. 

Until then. 

Comments

  1. churmanderFebruary 28, 2015 at 9:55 AM

    when i read your blogs there's so much i want to highlight

    "probably why I'm such an excellent arguer, excellent in the sense that I do it often, not that I'm good at it." lol that made me laugh

    "I believe that even if you believe yourself to be right, choosing to be the one to surrender, to be wrong, is stronger than the argument." Ive always subscribed and still do for the most part. but im sure there's some exceptions. Not a lot of people have that humility, some don't even know how to apologize or admit what they've contributed to a conflict.

    my mom (and i) have been keepin up with this Bachelor show and of course it's far from the normal way of going about courtship, but it's interesting to watch all the dynamics of all the things that go into consideration in trying to make a relationship work. I find myself saying things like, "mom, katelyn and chris just dont match, whitney is nice and would be a good mom and wife, but her voice is too annoying lol, becka would be a good mom too but she isn't emotionally there yet and shes kind of boring, but she matches with him the best." then i realize im a dude and shouldnt be caught up with it all lol.

    We do learn a lot of bad examples from what we've grown up seeing from our parents or other couples. But at the same time there are some good examples. My cousin's husband made her a album full of pictures and i was like "damn that's love."

    there was a quote from a movie where someone said, "it's not about finding someone you think you can live with, but finding someone you think you can't live without." And as difficult as thoughts of marriage seem, for some reason i like to think that maybe with the right person it shouldn't be that hard.

    My mom got divorced twice, and in a sense, even knowing what not to do or how to be like teaches us something. I think friendship within a relationship is super important. Also learning how your other half was raised and what they picked up from their parents gives a lot of insight too. What are some of the roots of their expectations, and the roots of their needs? My teacher would call them emotionally intuitive impulses.

    It's actually quite rare to see models of a very loving relationship, but when u see one, you can see a big difference in how they treat each other. You can see thoughtfulness, consideration, trust and respect. They also make a lot of small gestures that are meaningful. I think there's a correlation with healthy marriages and including God in the relationship. I think observing God's love for us expands our knowledge and ability to truly love. One book talked about how marriages are really about holiness rather than just happiness. There's a good book by John Gottman "The seven principles for making marriage work." (and basically any relationship) It's worth a read, even though i dont like the title lol. i still think communication and conflict resolution are big pillars, but Gottman discusses a lot of other stuff. i bet parenting is like 10x harder than relationships lol.

    ah im really sorry i wrote too much again. i hate when my comments become mini blogs

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. lbsayshiMarch 2, 2015 at 5:48 PM

      Don't worry, like I've said before, i like the interaction between readers and writers. It's awesome being heard and having a conversation about it. All valid points. I've read a few books myself, mostly Christian dating/marriage books (sounds weird).

      Also, The Bachelor? Really? lol i bet if i watched it i'd be hooked.

      Delete
    2. churmanderMarch 7, 2015 at 11:07 AM

      what book(s) would you recommend? or what was your favorite book on the topic? my roommate read over a dozen christian marriage books, and then did a 30minute powerpoint presentation in his room for me lol. there's so many dynamics to it

      lately ive seen the ideals of marriage kind of like a fictional fairytale. maybe jus because ive seen a lot of painful divorces and breakups. Im not sayin it's impossible, but i think it's becoming more rare to see a marriage built on faith in God. I think we all have certain expectations, but it sounds like it's also a lot of work. there are really only a small handfull of good examples ive seen and they were all strong christian couples. God at the center seems to make a big difference. Im sure they had problems too, but it seems like their positive feelings overid any negative ones, their love for each other also seemed stronger somehow. lol i really dont know anythin about the subject

      in your opinion, and without using the love is patient, love is kind verse.. what is love? and how can a couple continue to foster love?

      Delete
    3. lbsayshiMarch 17, 2015 at 7:26 PM

      By putting God at the center, individually, together and always. Something I preach but don't practice.

      Delete
  2. lbsayshiMarch 2, 2015 at 5:47 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  3. lbsayshiMarch 17, 2015 at 7:26 PM

    By putting God at the center, individually, together and always. Something I preach but don't practice.

    ReplyDelete

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