A blessing and a curse
The heart is a really remarkable thing. It has the ability
to hold on to hurt with a tight grip, turning it over in its hands years, and even decades, later with the same ache. A heart also can carry a powerful
amount of love, and has the strength to heal and mend brokenness.
It is both a blessing
I always have been the type of person to give 100 percent of
my heart to someone. Some of you might be thinking: you’re an idiot, woman, and some of you may be nodding your heads in agreement.
The thing is, when you continuously give 100 percent, the expectation is to
receive the same percentage of heart back. But how many other human beings,
besides the few that nodded their head and myself, actually give all of themselves to another person?
I don’t describe myself this way to brag, because it’s really
more of a burden. There’s a quote that has been resurfacing, and it reads as follows:
It is both a blessing
And a curse
To feel everything
So very deeply
I don’t have many refined characteristics, but the ones I do have, I cherish. My ability to
sympathize and empathize (where I can) with others has rewarded me with the
deepest connections. I've been trusted with many secrets, held many hands for
support and provided a droopy shoulder to many teary-eyed souls. I find comfort in comforting
others.
Just as much as I am soft, I am passionate. As much as I
feel sorrow, that of my own and of others, I feel anger with an untamed fire. I
understand that this makes me a poor candidate for politics or for highly stressful jobs, but with iron motivation and smarts, I am a fierce competitor in life.
There are times when I let my anger get the best of me
though, and this is where we see the “curse” of passion. I am so caught up in
expressing my feelings that I forget to be rational, and we all know that once
something is said, we can never take it back without feeling the repercussions.
The same goes for being too soft. Just as I have stepped on
people with my fiery flame, I also have been stepped on. The biggest fear I’ve
had for a while is that my emotions and sensitivity to other's emotions, will get the best of me. There were many times that I've felt defeated.
The other drawback of continuously giving 100 percent, is
that after being defeated, a part of you is taken away and never given back.
You continue to give 100 percent (100 percent of whatever is left) and you find
that you’re not completely whole. I understand now why people wait for that one
person to give their hearts to, because that way it truly is your whole heart,
not bits and pieces you’ve managed to salvage along the course of your giving.
Right now, I feel like I’m giving my “100 percent” but I
need the empty parts where I lack to be filled again. I can’t go back and retrieve
whatever pieces of my heart I’ve given away. I know that I’ve tried to
revisit old relationships, talked to the people that I once shared life with,
but oftentimes I find myself coming up short. The void I had hoped to refill
will never be filled like that.
So, now I live with a little less with each new relationship, because
I keep thinking, “this is the one.” I wish I were more guarded, and I know that
my loved ones feel the same (they fear I'm on a road to self-destruction). Here, I am. There only are pieces left. The
person that gets me in the end only will have pieces. How does that work?
LB
I see the strengths of your heart outweigh the draw backs. When someone loves only 20% it doesnt really seem like love. I think true love goes 100% even when nothing is returned. Which can become exhausting and hard to do. It can be frustrating when others don't reciprocate the same. its friggen painful.
ReplyDeleteYou have the ability to empathize and relate to others. You give because you want to. You uplift, encourage and support even when it can sometimes lay a toll. I don't think it goes unnoticed, but maybe unappreciated. You seek to understand and share the feelings of another because your heart cares to help repair n comfort others where there's brokeness. You take off the weight of others to lighten their load. But sometimes the weakness of caring too much is that u can get left with someone unwilling or unable to do the same for you.
I wish i had a leash to tame my heart, because it seems uncontrollable and disobedient at times. Sometimes i hear my heart and God say the exact opposite things. And it becomes hard to guard and protect ourselves from intimacy when we closely connect with someone we love.
Sometimes I hate how much i relate to ur blogs. Im jus as much of a hopeless romantic, which probably isnt normal, especially for guys lol. Ive always been 100% all in way too quicky, or a Ted Mosby if u will. And now i have to conciously tell myself, no..chris slow your roll, try 17% first, or smaller steps until you see a more mutualality, a committed future and God's blessing. However, i still see loving deeply and passionately as more of a strength. To love someone half heartedly jus seems dull and boring lol.
Even when we've lost parts of us and don't feel whole, i believe God can fully restore our purity and damged hearts. I mean he is God right?! If i can be truly honest, it took me a long eight years for my heart to recover and finally let go of a certain someone. Yeah.. lol.. Im not sure if we ever fully recover. Reflecting back on it, i don't count those years as wasted time. It's hard to regret letting your heart feel. But i learned how reckless and painful it can be to give our entire heart when it's not right. And then it happened again and i felt like i lost an arm and a leg. It's like experiencing death within yourself. But I believe God's love is so powerful that he can heal, restore and even add brand new pieces to you to make you feel whole again. The restoration process can take longer than we expect, but i believe God can make us even stronger then we once were.
holy crap sorry for the long comment, way too much
ReplyDeletei meant to reply to you, but i made a comment instead haha read below
DeleteDon't even worry about it, Chris! I write to vent, even if no one reads it, but it is nice to have a conversation about the things in my head. By you empathizing with me, I feel less like a crazy person and more like a human being.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, you're absolutely right. I keep trying to fill these voids with other people that I forget the only Person capable of making me whole again is God. I think I tend to run away from Him because I feel ashamed of giving so much to someone besides Him. When the human relationship fails, because we're human, I crawl back to God less than I was before. It's a selfish and shameful cycle, because He should always be my focus.
Also, i think it's brave of you to admit that you needed time (8 year worth) to get over that person. If they weren't worth it than the healing would have been a lot faster. Because we give 100 percent, we have to expect that getting over them will be painful, since we've invested so much.
We're hopeless romantics, all right, but I think we have to be more practical sometimes or else we'll miss out on people and other opportunities. I know that i have such high expectations sometimes, that no one can meet them! But let us never give up on loving people. We will be hurt and we will be under-appreciated, but i'd rather be known for loving too much than not loving enough.
yay us!
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ReplyDeleteOh, Lyns...your words resonate so perfectly with me and my own experiences of giving 100% and losing pieces of my heart along the way. You're such a good writer and miss talking. I hope all's well, m'dear!
ReplyDeleteAh, Meliss! You were definitely always so passionate and giving with your heart. I love that about you and miss you dearly. We should most certainly catch up. Hoping only the best for you as well.
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