Standing Still

I know that I’ve touched briefly on my move from Oregon back to Hawaii, but I thought I would open up and write more in depth about the situation.

Moving back home after being away for so long has been pretty hard. I went from running my own household to living under my mother’s roof again. In Oregon I had a routine. In Oregon I was my own boss. There was no one I had to answer to, no one’s rules I had to abide by. I didn’t have to worry about calling to let someone know that I’d be out late, no one I had to worry about worrying about me. I lived exactly how I was feeling at the time and I relished in the freedom. So, why did I leave?

Despite all of this, it was necessary for me to leave and return home, because although I was free, I had limited my potential. In other words, I was unable to go beyond the person I had become: no movement forward or backward. I was stuck and living a very stagnant life.

That is not to say that I didn’t have goals that went beyond the scope of my current situation, because I did. I had great dreams that promised to propel me to never-ending possibilities, where my limitations would be minute if not nonexistent.

The problem was my location. I had stayed in my college town and never left, consequently never moving past it. I saw the same people and participated in the same college festivities that I had taken part in during the past 5 years, without even realizing how counterproductive it all was. My location made it easy for me to remain in the same spot physically as well as mentally. I guess in a sense I felt safe, and leaving safe ground is never ideal. Still, there was a need to leave, a need that I wasn’t able to see right away.

I was also in a very diminishing and destructive relationship at the time, and a lot of the reason I had stayed so long was because of this other person. Not only was I failing to grow as a person, but I was also being constantly knocked down by guilt and a vicious degradation of my character because of hurtful words and a growing mistrust. This man was without a doubt a wounded and broken person, which resulted in him casting his hurt onto me. He lacked the ability to genuinely love someone because of his own self-loathing, a problem I felt that I could fix, which of course, I could not.

In the midst of denial and fear, an incident broke what little remained in my life: My brother-in-law, and father to my twin nephews, passed away suddenly from cancer. Not that there is any right time for families losing a loved one, but this particular situation hit us all like a speeding semi. Being away from my sister and my nephews at that time made it even harder. At this moment, there was a solidifying clarification that I needed to leave; there was an absolute tug on my heart to return.

Still, the process would prove to be one of the most difficult seasons of my life. Firstly, I had to end a three-year-long relationship. Although he had planned on moving home shortly after, we both knew that my move home [without him] meant more than just a change in our living situation. Nevertheless, I pretended as if it were only that. Secondly, I had to quit a secure job that paid me well to look ahead to job-hunting in a disastrous economy, something Hawaii carried an especially bad reputation for. To this day, I still make less than I did as a food server in Oregon.

Lastly and probably the most difficult, I had to leave behind the life I had made for myself in Oregon. Five years had really flown by, and there was so much to show for it; all that was accumulated, not only in my possessions but in the particular cases of valued relationships and unforgettable memories. I had to give them all up. These, I was not sure I’d ever hold again. And why is it that only when you begin to get rid of things do you realize how many baggage and valuables you actually have? Still, the cleaning continued.

Moving home did not in any way solve my problems. I loafed around with little motivation and resented the rules that were reinforced upon my return. The point for moving home, I had told myself, was to be a support for my nephews; to be a friend that my sister so desperately needed. But how could I be anything to them without being someone to myself first. I had lost my way, my purpose. All that was left was a stump of a woman, a woman who needed to be revived.

The next months were long and uneventful, but at the same time, there was healing taking place, a process that was only possible through time and forgiveness. I had to let go of what was and focus on what is and more importantly, what could be. Soon, I began to meet new people, started new jobs and truly began to feel like I was where I was supposed to be in both location and mindset.

Today is my second day at my new job and I am hopeful for continued growth as a writer and as a person. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that change is completely necessary and every once in a while we get a kick from life telling us that we’ve been standing in the same spot for far too long. We need to be moving, to be better for the people around us and most importantly for ourselves.