Following the Sun

I’ve been running a lot recently. I head to Magic Island after work and run with one of my coworkers, Caitlin. Exercising is hard, but I’ve been finding myself going back for the scenery. Every night there’s a sunset that takes my breath away. I’ve realized that I’ve become more observant in this season, stopping to soak it all in, to realize what’s around me. Usually, I feel emotions like gratitude and peace, but other times, I’m reminded of how alone I feel. I don’t do loneliness well.

I recently moved out of my house and have been living by myself. Furthermore, my relationship has ended and now I’m without my best friend. I think these things make this time of loneliness seem even more devastating, more real. Still, other people do it. Other people are strong and eventually make it through. Somehow, when I stand in the light of the setting sun, I feel illuminated with desperation and sadness, as if I’m the only person in the whole world who feels this terrible. It’s selfish, I know, but I find myself reverting back to this feeling over and over again.

Caitlin also is nursing a broken heart. It's been really nice to talk with someone who understands. Even though I will never fully understand exactly how she feels — and vice versa — it’s still a blessing to know that my struggles aren’t as far off from someone else’s.

I’ve realized that although it will do me some good to be on my own, to face certain milestones by myself, it also doesn’t hurt to have people to lean on. My word this year is “rely,” and for good reason, too. I don’t have to carry everything alone — some things, yes, but not everything. There are people in my life that could help lift the weight of whatever breakdown I’m having on any given day. Today, I’m worried about not getting back into shape, so I’ll rely on the beautiful sunset to motivate me, as well as my running partner to push me along.Later, I’ll rely on music and Netflix to get me to bed. That’s enough for one day.

LB